Show up and Suck
Reclaiming the Badass when it hurts
As a personal reward for losing 75 pounds, I signed up for a Beginning Kayak course last Saturday morning.
I love the water and water sports. I grew up surfing and swimming and sailing. Kayaking has always looked like the best time, being out on the water, meditating with the motion of the paddles. Plus it is both a solitary and a group activity, and there are times when I feel like one over the other. How hard could it be? I mean, the Boy I Live With said to me “If my mother can do it, you can.”
I listened attentively to the two instructors, who were wonderful and kind and obviously knew what they were doing. I felt inspired to try this next great thing. I was already planning to hit REI after the session and buy a rash guard since we are heading into cooler weather (normally, I hate them and wear a Short Jane instead). When Kayaking, they help deflect the water from dripping down your forearms (an icky feeling), so I was ready to cave to wearing one. Kayaking was going to be my new sport. I was very excited.
The kayaks came out. Mine was orange. We were shown how to get in and out. I went over to the one I was assigned and tried to imitate the instructor.
My body was not having it.
I started to lower my body down to the ground and felt fear. I breathed through it and found a way to get into the kayak. I was embarrassed, and in pain, and very, very angry.
I am still not flexible enough to easily get in and out of the kayak, or be comfortable for a long time sitting in it. My back was already hurting. Plus the Personal Flotation Device they made me wear was stupid (yeah, yeah, I know, safety first… still).
I sat there breathing and telling myself to power through. White knuckles have always worked for me before when it comes to sports. I didn’t want to leave the class because of this.
Then it happened,
My back spasmed.
It hit me that I was there to have fun, and I needed to make the hard decision to come back when I could. I had not had enough information to make the call, so I signed up before I was ready. This is one of those times when Picking Now over Never might not have been the best idea. Shit. I climbed out, very carefully, and said (as calmly as I could, which was not very calm), “I need to come back. I am not in a place physically where I can do this yet.”
The instructors were both kind and understanding and sympathetic as they been through their own disabilities and physical trauma. The other students shared their own stories of coming back from accidents. No one else had had their back broken in five places. I am not saying my trauma is worse, although right then I felt that way, with a healthy dose of an internal angry wail of “You don’t get it!”
I nodded, and thanked them and then cried on the drive all the way home, alternating between pounding the steering wheel in anger over not being better faster, to extreme sadness over not being able to “force” myself to do something physically. I mean, I always had been able to before. Then I cried in the garden as I was putting up bats and pumpkins for Halloween.
Then I stopped.
Abruptly.
Did I think this was going to be easy? Did I think I would sail through things claiming victory every time I tried something new? Did I think I would get a lollipop just for trying?
Evidently I did.
What I forgot was this: You have to Show Up and Suck.
You just do. You have to Show Up and Suck until you don’t suck anymore. Always. Consistently.
Show up.
Suck.
When I first began learning the Lindy Hop, I sucked. When I returned to it a few weeks ago, I sucked again (it came easier the second time). I am learning to Salsa dance right now, and while I am a good follow because of Lindy, I still suck. I suck less every time I go, but still, I suck.
Getting through graduate school with a learning disability, I sucked. But there is a Ph.D after my name because I made it through the suck. The first time I taught a class, I threw up three times before walking into the classroom, because I knew I would suck. (I did). But I became a very popular teacher because I was willing to learn how not to suck. And don’t even talk to me about dating. I still suck at dating. I will probably always suck at dating.
I had different expectations of water sports because I used to be a Badass in the water. I never had to try in the water. I was just good at it. But, I was never a badass at academics or dating or dancing, so I had had to try.
While Kayaking is on the water, it requires bodily function that I still suck at. So my takeaway is to find ways to strengthen my core, and lower back and find flexibility. That is the next step on my physical journey, and really, that knowledge is the biggest gift. Knowing how to not suck and then actually doing that thing? THAT is being a Badass.
Excuse me, I am late for a yoga class…I have to get through the suck now, so I can do the kayaking course that I signed up for in three months.
