A response to More Work To Do

A friend posted Chris Sacca’s medium article (blog post)?) on Facebook. In it Mr Sacca, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist, speaks to the alarming reports of gender inequality and sexual harassment being reported by “brave women in tech.” He apologizes not only for his part in it, but also for his lack of speaking out against those who also did it.

I believe he is sorry. And the title of his article is that he has more work to do. Recognizing how you hurt others is always a good thing, as is striding towards self awareness. I will always applaud those who do the hard work. I especially liked this sentence; It’s the unrelenting, day-to-day culture of dismissiveness that creates a continually bleak environment for women and other underrepresented groups. Yes. This is an important truth and should be stated.

I’m still pissed off.

I’m still pissed off because I shouldn’t have to explain to someone that when you are in power you don’t exploit those who aren’t. You shouldn’t have to come to that realization. It should have been there all along. That isn’t about gender. That is about being a good person. And, being willing to create the space for others to do the same things is, again, not something I should have to teach. Respect begets respect.

Good for Mr. Sacca for apologizing. but that is the extant of it. He doesn’t get a lollipop for doing what he is supposed to do as a person in power. In other words, you may be sorry you broke my arm, but my arm is still broken and and I still don’t trust you to get near it again. And here is why:

Maya Angelou’s quote tells us to do better when we know better.

“I did then what knew to do, and now that I know better , I do better.”

This affords us a certain amount of leeway in the mistake department. And normally, I subscribe to this. I think we all have to learn to do and be better. In this case. Mr. Sacca did know better (he even says so) and once he was forced by others to agree that he knew better, he apologized. He didn’t do the right thing when he was running around trying to be accepted by the “Sand Hill Road guys.” This wasn’t a mistake and he shouldn’t call it that. He excuses his behavior by saying that he was young and wanted to fit in. Further, the way to do that was to make others uncomfortable and exploit his privilege, sometimes in a sexual way. Yet he still called himself a liberal open minded “good guy.”

Nope.

Anytime a white guy in tech starts to “get it” because he now has a daughter, has read a couple of books on the subject and then attempts to explain the issue of gender to those of us who live it every day, I am suspicious. I want to believe that he will use his power and influence to empower those without power. He even tells us how he is doing it and continuing to do it. Yet, as I read that portion of his …confession(?), I couldn’t help but be reminded of when I used to play sports; the kids who told you they were good, usually weren’t. It was the quiet kids scooping up grounders at third, and putting in the laps that were the kids who won the game/meet for us. And in the fight for gender equality, it isn’t the ones who tell us that they believe in feminism, it is the ones who are feminists.

Here is the real truth: All I want is for men like Chris Sacca to be a good people. Treat everyone fairly, stop seeing others as sexual objects (regardless of gender) and use merit based behavior to determine which venture you will back. Men like Chris Sacca are the reason for the Yes, All Men hashtag. And if you want my buy in, don’t call it a mistake, or a blunder. Call it abuse. Call it harassment. Take ownership, and then do better.

The second truth: I am tired of having this conversation. Mr. Sacca asks to keep the conversation going, yet another sign of his privilege. Good people don’t use power to hurt others over and over and over again. That is the be all and end all of the conversation. If I continue to have the conversation it is for Mr. Sacca’s benefit only, because I already get it. That said, I will choose to continue the conversation knowing this, and also knowing that having the conversation betters my counterpart’s plight. (Also, intelligence wins).

Karolina Szczur, a girl in tech living in Australia writes this.

— Women are fleeing the tech industry where unfairness seems to be far more pronounced than elsewhere. Where sexual harassment and unwanted attention often goes unreported, let alone faces repercussions. Believe the stories.

The main point, and the main take away, is that even when these brave women are telling their stories, men like Chris Sacca are weighing the “merits’ of them, as he did in Ellen Pao’s case, someone he calls a friend. This is his privilege. Mr. Sacca, I shouldn’t have to wait with bated breath to know if you will believe the merits of my pain, or the harassment I experience. It isn’t up to you to decide if I have been harassed. That it is up to me. Want to be a good guy? Then believe the countless stories. I have no reason to put myself through the shame and humiliation and repercussions of standing up for myself if I first have to go through you. Want to protect your daughter? Demand that she gets believed.

And stop wanting to be praised for coming to the realization that you harassed someone. That is just like Dads who want to be praised for “babysitting” or, you telling me about female based startups you back (on Shark Tank? Whatever).

Dude, it is your responsibility as a white man in tech to pull others up without sleeping with them. Do Better.